For Insanity
by meowriting.inc
Summary: Just before the beginning of Shippuden, Iwa has gained control of virtually intact Konoha and Itachi can't accept that little piece of info. Playing detective, he will reveal the truth behind this strange situation, if his insanity doesn't get exposed before that. Insane!Itachi
1. For Insanity

**For Insanity**

First off, this is my first fanfiction, so please go easy on me. I would like it very much if there are some reviews. Thanks. I don't own Naruto. Also, fanfic has things like death. Consider yourself warned.

'Thinking'

"Talking"

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He was travelling at his maximum speed. The recent news did not sit well with the older Uchiha (I'm talking about Itachi. Who knows who you might think of.. So let me tell you, its neither Madara, nor Obito. I mean, wasn't Sasuke supposed to be the last Uchiha?). He couldn't believe Hideki's information at all. Konoha surrendered to Iwa? Everyone knew that Konoha was at least equal, if not more powerful than its long standing enemy. Adding the alliance with Suna to the equation, Iwa making Konoha submit seemed a little too impossible to the missing-nin. What made this even harder to believe was the fact that this treaty was, seemingly, a peaceful act, and not a post-war pact.

Since there was no huge war before Konoha's absorption into Iwa, it was obvious that the now bloated up Iwa had twice the number of ninja, given that Iwa treats Konoha ninjas as its own. Fat chance. Still in the end, Iwa is now the strongest of the hidden villages and land of earth (land of land, eh?) is biggest country. No doubt all ninja villages will unite under Iwa's banner. So the question is, can present Akatsuki afford to offend all major and minor ninja villages simultaneously? Oh well, better let Tobi-'kun' worry about this stuff.

Although the news could be false, for which he will definitely set shinigami on Hideki's behind, if the news comes out to be true, then is he now an Iwa ninja too? Its better to think about it after inspecting Konoha.

Aha! There's the pleasant 50 feet tall wall (attack on titans much?) totally incapable of holding any ninja with decent chakra control in or out of the village, which serves the additional purpose of announcing to all the sneaking parties where the village 'Hidden' in the leaves is... might as well put a huge neon board with Konoha's insignia... Wait, there it is, right on top of EVERY DAMNED GATE! But there must be some logic behind it. Right! Walls must have been to avoid any toddler from getting lost in the forest. After all, the ninja exist to protect the future generation. -Insert Asuma's preaching about the real king- .

Finally, I am at my ex-home, and the gate guards should be Iwa-ni..

"Izumo, Kotetsu.", said Itachi, hiding his astonishment at seeing the two guards alive.

"Its Uchiha Itachi! Quick, Izumo! Notify the Anbu! I'll try to hold him off for as long as possible.", was the gate guards' cheerful, or maybe not so cheerful reply.

"No need, I'm here to surrender.", poor little Itachi said innocently. 'Why do they just assume I want to cause trouble?'

"Are you serious?"

"Sure, why not. Its not like I, the super awesome, Mangekyou wielding, clan slaughtering shinobi prodigy, THE UCHIHA ITACHI, needs to deceive two chunin guards?", Itachi laughed like he was insane. But again, who in their sane minds would slaughter their own clan? So maybe nothing was amiss at all? All this thinking was becoming too much of a mental burden on the 'quick' wits of eternal chunin.

'Oh no! These foolish guards just had to see me during my loss of composure. But I lost it thinking about me, and everyone goes insane about me.. maybe it isn't that big of a deal? Oh who am I kidding.. they'll definitely not let me live pridefully after that. Guess they'll have to go..', and two shinobi corpses fell to the ground, with black fire in place of their heads.

"Damn! Its not bad enough that I had kill all the damn Uchihas except Sasuke, who was absent at the time of my outburst, I was lucky that I remembered that Danzo wanted me to watch the clan and I successfully shifted the reason for massacre as a mission from him in front of Hokage. But then the unlucky hunter-nin that saw me freaking out and so on.. The list of my victims just goes on and on. I might have to start controlling my outbursts if things go on like this.". Itachi might not know it (it was kind of strange to write that), but the day he made good on that decision, his life would change.

'So what should I say that won't make the Kon.. Iwa nin suspect my reason of murder? Right! I'll just say that I came here to take Naruto with me.', the genius apparently forgot that the Kyuubi host was out on a trainning trip with toad sannin.

Soon, the ex-Anbu was surrounded by Anbu, who were there due to detection of chakra usage.

"Itachi! Why have you come back? And what is the meaning of killing two Iwa-nin right off the bat?" A boar-masked Anbu spoke.

"I have come for the Jinchūriki, and these two were refusing to provide me any information."

"How'd you know that Roshi is here!? Seems there has been some breach in the intelligence. Whatever.. Its not like we didn't find a missing-nin. Not so missing now, are you?" Apparently, it was a funny joke since all the Anbu started laughing. But in Itachi's opinion, it was an extremely poor joke. And if there was something that Itachi hated more than cats, ramen, super weak people, water, and many more things, it was bound to be stupid people laughing on stupid jokes. Itachi had never been so mad in his life. Not even when he caught Mikoto, his mom, giving Shisui HIS pocky. Itachi had tried to explain to Shisui that taking his pocky was playing with fire, but apparently, that sent the wrong message, since Uchiha used to play with real live fire on a daily basis. So he had to kill Shisui, but was so full of guilt due to his inability to save his pocky, that he awakened a Mangekyou. Then he caught Mikoto giving away HIS pocky, AGAIN, to that guy who lived in his house, and tried to order him around. What was his name again? Ah yes, Uchiha Fugaku. Now that's one way to get killed. Make Itachi mad, catch him yelling nonsense, and you have acquired a VIP ticket to the shinigami express. So Itachi made good on his custom, and burned those fools to the ground after screaming at them. But right then, Sasuke showed up, demanding a reason. The immediate answer he could come up with, which would allow him to retain his Mr. mystery image was that he should tell a lie so obvious that even a toddler would see through - that it was to test his strength. If Sasuke knew that Itachi had told him the wrong answer, then it would obviously make him all the more mysterious, since no one would know why he did this. But Sasuke, the naive fool, just didn't have a brain and accepted it as he told him it was. In the end, it was Sasuke's fault that he ended up a missing nin. Anyway, back on topic, Itachi was pissed by the stupid joke and the following waves of laughter from Anbu. He was thinking what to do when suddenly a voice was heard - "Shut the hell up!" 'Ha! Someone is about to teach these brats what a well composed Anbu is supposed to be, and about to kick their asses.' But when even after about five seconds, no one new entered the scene, and everyone was looking at him weird, Itachi realized that he had been the voice behind the - 'Shut the hell up!', and decided, 'Yeah, they gotta go too..'. After all, they had watched him scream. This could not be possible be let slide. After all, he had an image to take care of..

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So there. That's the first chapter. Hope you liked it! Even if you didn't, please tell me where the fic went bad, or what turned you off in reviews! Also, any questions are welcome.

And if you think the genres are wrong, maybe you are right. Please suggest me the appropriate genres..


	2. For beliefs

I had decided that I won't work on the fic any further until I got some reviews. After about 20 days, I finally got my first, and to this date, the only review. The only problem was, that suddenly, I got too busy to work on this. Finally, after I have passed the one-month mark, I finally obtained a holiday.. Go sports day! Also, before starting the chapter, I would like to thank my only reviewer, a guest, for taking the time to write such an encouraging review. But if you feel that something needs to be fixed in the fic (don't ask me to fix the whole plot/story), and wish to point it out to me, be my 'Guest'.

'Thinking'

"Speaking"

'''Praying'''

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Now that the ANBU were no longer laughing, our hero felt a bit more at peace. But now, a new problem had arised. After knowing about the location of the yonbi jinchuuriki, he couldn't just turn a blind eye to it. But perhaps he should just leave this to his partner, who Roshi was assigned to. On the other hand, Kisame was his partner, so maybe capturing the jinchuuriki was his duty too? He couldn't just throw this responsibility over to Kisame, for the fear of lord pain throwing divine punishment at him. The only way now was to let the god decide for him.

'''Oh great pain in the ass, lord pain, guide me in this time of great confusion. This loyal subject begs you to alleviate these clouds of ignorance. Please guide me. Should I capture the jinchuuriki or not?'''

'Beep...Beep...'. All Itachi got in response was a busy tone.

'A busy tone? It must be that stupid Hidan. He keeps on praying to god forever, and that too, without any reason. How the hell are others supposed to register their requests and complaints? Perhaps I should try Konan..'

'''Oh great origami ANGEL of Akatsuki and ame, please guide thisa loyal subject in these times of ambiguous decisions. Should I...'''. Before Itachi could finish, he got interrupted by a sweet voice.

'Itachi-chan.. no need to exhaust yourself by repeating. I heard you the first time. Merely, I wanted to hear my cutest follower call me his ANGEL. Though you should have kept trying for pain. Because you aren't supposed to be calling me when pain is free. You might be wondering why you got a busy tone when pain was free? Thats because I hired a hacker to make sure that you never talked to another god or angel EVER AGAIN. Isn't it awesome? You can pray to me (and me only lol) anytime you want anything! Anyway, go get that Roshi chick'. Konan seemed to be a little high, so he didn't bother telling her that Roshi was definitely not a chick..

Alo, responding to that would have even encouraged such fangirling behaviour, so he just left it at that. Anyway, he should really device a method to talk to pain directly, else pain get pissed and throw divine punishment towards him. Itachi was just thinking along these lines when a roaring, but still calm sound interrupted his thoughts.

'Oi! Itachi! What is this Busy tone deuce I am hearing about? I am a god and I can connect to as many people simultaneously as I want.. its a bit like conferencing, actually. I know it is a breach in privacy of the prayer, and has multiple security concerns, but trust me when I say this - we have our best tech guy working on it.. Anyway, is this another excuse your INSANE brain came up with to explain your urges to talk to Konan? Admit it, you have a crush on her. But damn it she is still MY angel. And you even imagined her as a fangirl?' PAin certainly sounded pissed.

'''I assure you, Pain-sama, it was definitely not my imagination. Konan was definitely saying all the things that I heard. Anyway, Itachi out!'''

'So it turns out that leader-sama thinks of me as insane too.. Seems like the world has one too many gods. Pain has got to go..'

Just then, a black dragon, as thick as his waist, descended with an opressive aura. On a closer look, it was the divine lightening in the drgon form. Itachi looked at the lightening, and flew in the sky with red eyes (sharingan lol) to meet the dragon. While laughing,  
Itachi seemed like a devil straight out of hell. He went on to meet the divine lightening with his fists! All the onlookers gaped. It was common knowledge thateven the most courageous of men would find it hard to perform such reckless acts. (Anyone gets the Xianxia reference?)

A loud boom and an awesome explosion later, the black dragon was nowhere to be seen while Itachi hadn't even broken a sweat.

"That was insane sweet, bro!", an onlooker commented.

'Insane? And they all think that way about me? Yeah.. they gotta go too..', and countless heads fell to the ground.

Suddenly, another bolt, this one much thinner but much more terrifying, descended with the speed of lightening (lol) and slammed into Itachi's head.

Itachi dead..

The end..

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On second thought, that was too anti-climactic. Lets revive him. But he is still severely injured. Just before fading into unconciousness, he heard -

'You are still too weak. You aren't even worth killing, foolish little follower. You don't have enough hate inside you. If you want to kill me, despise me, hate me, and live in an unsightly way... Run, and cling to life, and then some day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me. Then, we will have our epic god vs follower showdown.'

Saying that Itachi sweatdropped is a huge understatement.

Anyway, now that god's orders were clear, he better get going.

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"Hello, Roshi-san. I am Itachi." Itachi said.

"Itachi-san! I have been expecting you. I sure am glad you decided to visit me instead of that hag Tsunade. Do you know how annoying she is with that alcohol breath of hers? I must tell you this.. if it wasn't for Onoki-dono's orders, I'd have burnt that hag to death long ago."

"Roshi-san, can I ask you for a favour?"

"Anything for you, Itachi-san!" Roshi seemed like a very dedicated person.

"I need you to come to Amegakure with me. There, we will extract your bijuu, and in return, I shall owe you a personal favour. How does that sound?"

"Delightful! But to give you the Yonbi, I shall have to seek permission from my Tsuchikage. Is that okay with you?"

"I'd prefer it if you kept it a secret from him."

"You know, Itachi-san, if it wasn't you making the request to keep your request a secret, I would have counted that as suspicious behaviour. But since it is you, how can I refuse? After all, your clan is not to be offended under any circumstances."

Although Roshi had readily accepted his request, Itachi couldn't help but feel suspicious.. What clan was Roshi talking about? Uchiha were all but extinct. Could it be a case of mistaken identites?

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Please read and review.


	3. For planning

My rambling in the end. Sorry for the half year delay. Don't own Naruto. Same thinking speaking pattern. :D On with it!

Chapter 3: **For planning**

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If anyone took his right hand in exchange for taking Roshi away from him, he might not agree. But if you offered to take his left hand instead, not only would Itachi give it up, he would remember it as a favour too. Because right now, Itachi only knew one thing. And that is, that if Roshi was thought of as a normal travelling partner, then Orochimaru was definitely a godsend. And Orochimaru wanted Itachi's body! I mean, you wanna replace my soul? Fine. But don't use such creepy voice with an already creepy sentence. It's almost like you WANT people to misunderstand. So anyway, back on track, Roshi was creepier. Orochimaru was only misunderstood, atleast about the pervert pedophile thing (Itachi, however powerful, WAS a kid). But Roshi made his status clear with his actions.

"You sure you don't want my help peeing?" Roshi asked with an honest smile.

"No, thank you. I rather like the concept of privacy." Itachi seemed to have made up his mind.

"To quote a random guy from the movie takedown, 'Privacy? Never heard of it.' Oh wait! I HAVE heard of it. Those Mozilla guys were saying something about this. You with them?" unexpectedly, Roshi's smile didn't falter for even a moment, even after such a rejection.

"No, I'm not. But I sure agree with them. I mean, it IS rather important", replied Itachi.

"Whatever, this is starting to sound too educational. We were paid to make it look like natural." (As you can guess by the 'popularity' of this fic, Mozilla DID NOT pay me.), Roshi seemed to find some humor in this, seeing as his smile was still as brilliant as ever.

"Yeah let's drop it.", agreed Itachi.

"So anyway, you sure you don't want my help peeing?", Itachi was starting to see that this honest smile was actually pretty similar to the snake sannin.

-Insert semi-infinite loop-

"Oh what the hell! My intestines are bursting from holding so much pee in. Come on, help me or whatever." Itachi finally gave up.

"Cool.", said Roshi, pulling out a pill from his pouch. "Take this and you'll pee like an elephant."

"Do elephants pee smoothly?"

"Don't know, but they sure get out of my sight first. I expect nothing different from you."

"Oh… Is this the help you were offering?"

"What else did you expect?"

"Nothing, really. I was just curious. Didn't think you really could help a person pee." Nice save there, no?

"Hahaha. Itachi-san, let me tell you, you haven't seen anything yet. I, the great Roshi, of course, not as great as your clan, but still great, can help you with almost anything."

"Oh? Anything?"

"ALMOST anything. I repeat, ALMOST anything. Almost covers a lot of things."

".."

"Alright, wait a moment, and I'll be back."

"What? Going to the bushes, are you? I didn't expect someone of your standing to be so ill-mannered."

"What else do you expect? That I wait for our next town to appear so that I can properly use the toilet?"

"Well, why not?"

"Because it's an emergency, darn it!" Itachi took no more than a moment to leave.

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"Pain-sama, although it was a real pain to have him with me, I still did what a faithful follower would have done. I completed your orders. Roshi, go stand near Pain-sama." Itachi said.

"Woof!" was NOT what Roshi replied.

"I wonder how you could have so little hate, Uchiha. Even after seeing me here, in front of you, you didn't lose your composure and attack me. Seeing your family history, I was half-expecting you to do that."

"Sorry to disappoint, leader-sama. I'll act more Uchiha-like next time."

"Ah no need at all. They tell me that you have always been the oddball amongst the Uchiha."

"Not really. I mean, nowadays, I am the only Uchiha good enough to set a trend. I mean, just look at the others. One has a candy mask and giggly girly voice. Definitely not a role-model. And the other one, well, he just tries to take whatever I did and whatever I didn't, and combine that knowledge. Nothing original at all. So, yeah."

"Anyways, Roshi-san, as Itachi here must have already told you, we just need to extract your beast. But before doing that, we would like you to sign this No Objection Waiver (NOW), which would say that you, of your own free will and under no pressure, are willing to donate your tailed beast to Akatsuki's noble cause of word domination. After all, we don't want to be defenseless if the lawyers come knocking. Take your time to read it, but I request that you make sure to sign NOW."

Roshi, confused why he was being given time when he had to sign it now, asked "Do I have to sign right now? I mean, I'd like to read what I sign, if you don't mind."

"Of course. That is why I said that you should take your time, but make sure you sign now."

"Huh?" was all Roshi could muster.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? ITACHI! HOW COME ALL JINCHURIKI I COME ACROSS ARE DUMB AS HELL?"

"Oi! You are the dumb one. You are the one who keeps on saying stupid stuff, like taking my time to read it but signing it now."

"Aarghhh! Itachi! Change of plan! We don't need tailed beasts anymore. We just need to introduce this Roshi to everyone. THEN, they will know true pain." Roshi didn't know it, but this little bit of misunderstanding almost saved the word from fourth great Shinobi war. ALMOST. There are still too may beings out there who carry the infinite power to negate these results. For example, let's say Roshi dies. What then? Well, to tell you the truth, we do have a replacement. In fact, he might even work better than Roshi. In the anime, why do you think Nagato didn't kill Naruto? Because, he came to understand that the moon-eye plan was totally unnecessary. Naruto alone could unite the world with his annoying habits. Bad argument, but let's just chalk it up to his twisted vision of world. Back to the story, change of plans is undergoing.

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-IN A SECRET MEETING ROOM-

"Leader-sama, why this emergency meeting?" was the question on everyone's mind and mouth.

"This meeting is to introduce our latest addition to the crew, Roshi! Everyone, I request you to welcome him with a warm round of applause."

"Whoo! Roshi!" "Welcome to the organization, Roshi." "Three cheers for Roshi! Hip hip!" "….."

"It's never gonna work, Deidra. This three cheers thing, which you talk about. It's a bad idea!"

"Its art, I tell you! Art! The moment everyone goes 'hurray!' is true art! That one moment, when everyone forgets their tensions and just lives in that moment. That, dear friends, is true art." Deidra seemed a lot pleased with himself.

"Oh shut up! This isn't the time for that. I'm here to also tell you that Roshi is our ultimate weapon. We don't need to collect tailed beasts anymore. He is annoying enough for the whole world to feel pain and fear from him."

"Cool. I always hated violence anyway." Said the clan killer shark man.

"Yeah" "I agree." "Our Initial plan was too unrealistic."

'Shocking! Didn't know so many were dissatisfied with the plan', Pain thought.

"Alright, since we don't have any objections, meeting dismissed."

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"So, Roshi-san, I wanted to ask you something."

"Oh Itachi-san! What is it?"

"Well, can you tell me my full name?"

"Uchiha Itachi, right? Oh god! Did I mistake you for the wrong person? God that's embarrasing!"

"No, I am Uchiha Itachi. Merely, I wanted to ask you about that statement of yours – 'Your clan are not to be offended'. I mean, Uchiha are no longer as prominent as they used to be."

"What are you talking about? Anytime any ninja sees a river symbol, they immediately abort their mission after kowtowing to it thrice."

"That hasn't made it out here in the missing nin circles. What river symbol, though? The Uchiha symbol is a fan symbol."

"What!? You are from that Konoha's Uchiha clan? I mean that's not even a clan anymore. How could you decieve me like this!"

"Oh come on! How was I supposed to know that there is another Uchiha clan? I didn't betray you at all. I thought you were a smart ninja who could rightly identify the people he was supposed to meet."  
"YOU BETRAYED ME!"

"No, YOU ANNOY ME!" 'Oh hell! I screamed again. Well, Roshi, too, has to go.' "Bye Roshi! Will miss your annoying character." Before Roshi could say anything, his head was already ROFL, except for the laughing part.

'Darn! Now I have another thing I have to take care of. What is this copycat Uchiha clan? No wait. That's my clan. I mean the one that copied from my clan.'

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-BACK IN THE SECRET MEETING ROOM-

"Well, we're back to the original plan." Pain announced.

"Good. The previous plan was too cowardly" said the clan killing shark man.

"Yeah" "I agree" "Our last plan was too unrealistic"

'Shocking! Didn't know so many were dissatisfied with the plan', Pain thought.

"Alright, since we don't have any objections, lets extract the tailed beast before it fades away, and then, meeting dismissed."

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First off, Sorry for the late release! I got caught up in real life, lost inspiration to write, had a writer's block, almost died in an accident, got a job offer, or whatever excuse you find excusable. :P

Anyway, I got two reviews on last chapter, which is one more than chapter one, so, that's some progress. YAY! And, thank you for the kind reviews, Mossflower1234 and chidoripotato. Also, I actually had started writing this a little over a month after releasing the second chapter. That's when Mozilla was broadcasting a lot of privacy-related videos.. so, yeah… After that, for about three month, I totally forgot about it as I was preparing for job interviews. I managed to secure a job offer, but only after a little accident in which I narrowly escaped with my life. In fact, I didn't get injured at all, even though I don't know how. Anyway, Read and review. Thanks for reading!


	4. For the protagonist

Sorry for ANOTHER long delay. I swear I didn't actually plan to make it an exact half year. Also, MyNameIsLaura, thanks for the encouraging review. Thinking of how I could be good at it maybe if I was dedicated enough. Also, about the NOW joke in last chapter, NOW was the name of the form which pain wanted signed, which caused confusion. I don't own Naruto. Begin!

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It had been 10 days since the death of Roshi, and Akatsuki now had four tails in that huge mountain-like statue of theirs, which many refer to as Gedō Mazō, or something (this is the accurate name, found it on internet - HAXORZZ). To celebrate this, Pain had decided that a party be thrown, cause you are a bad company if you don't throw your employees a party every once in a while. And guess who gets to be the one to manage it? And it isn't Pain. What kind of boss does the work himself? Nope. It isn't Itachi. Just because the fic is Itachi-centric doesn't mean EVERYTHING has to involve him. It's Tobi! Why him? Because while everyone else was off doing fancy ninja stuff, Tobi was busy being a, you guessed it right, PARTY ANIMAL! So, to control his eccentric actions, a little responsibility was put on his shoulders. Maybe he'll grow up, right? NO. He doesn't grow up, because if he grows any more, he'll either be old, or 2tall4u. But maybe he'll mature, right? NO. Because with great responsibility, comes great power. And you know what people with power become? Drunk. Literally. So, Tobi ended up drunk the night before, and didn't really do any preparations for the party. Also, hungover Tobi prohibits music.

"Way to go Tobi. Real nice party that you've arranged for us." Deidra's voice was very sarcastic.

"No senpai, I really have arranged a party for you. It's just that we're not there yet." Said the swirly-faced man-child. "Let me take you there."

WHOOSH *teleport sound*

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"This sucks." Hidan wasn't even in a mood to curse anymore.

"Oh wow! How'd we get here!" seemed like Tobi really wanted people to notice something.

"This is just work disguised as a slaughter fest." Kisame observed.

"Apparently, people don't really care that I have a cool teleportation power."

"I like this. Party budget saved, and we don't pay on party day. Now let's go catch that seven-tailed beast." Kakuzu counted those perks real quick. "Tobi, if Hidan ever hits the bricks, you be my partner."

"I'll be the decision maker, Kakuzu." Pain was quick to interject.

'Notice me senpais!'

"Whatever, let's just go kill some of these guys." Itachi was always his cool and collected self.

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Long story short, Akatsuki have a new tailed beast in their statue thing.

"Alright! One more and we'll have completed a third of our goal." Pain tried to cheer everyone.

"So, we get a bonus, right?" didn't know Deidra could be so money hungry.

"I guess I could allow.." "Nope." Guess who overruled Pain's decision in money matters.

"Always the spoilsport Kakuzu." Hidan whined.

"Whatever. This scene could go on forever. I'll just go to bed. I'm the main character, and this isn't important, so just freeze when I'm gone." Itachi seems to be aware that this is simply a story. Cool!

Poof! Itachi gone!

"What the hell is wrong with him? Main character! He couldn't believe his life to be a manga, right?" OK, maybe not that cool.

"He just might. I mean, his life, like most of us, was dramatic enough. Get him to a psychiatrist, would you? I don't want Akatsuki be associated with bad mental health."

"Oh in that case, we'll have to consult a real doctor. He's physically ill too, you know?" Kisame openly revealed his partner's secret.

"Oh? Who'd you recommend? We don't want him to die before even getting to the legal age to drink. He hasn't even tried the cheap beer provided in or cafeteria." Cost-wise cheap, quality-wise awesome!

"Tsunade is a really famous doctor."

"She's the Hokage. She'll just capture him instead."

"OK, how about Orochimaru? He should be an expert at medical sciences."

"Um.. if we could track him down, we'd have killed him already. Also, he 'wants' Itachi's body, remember?"

"Yeah.. I don't know, maybe *insert random famous rogue medical ninja's name*?"

"Cool, call him. And a psychiatrist? Nah leave it. He'll end up breaking the psychiatrist instead."

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After half an hour of inspection, *insert predefined famous rogue medical ninja's name* came out of Itachi's room. Before he could say anything, Konan said, "I know what you are going to say. 'You brought him here just at the right time. Anymore late and he'd have been beyond saving.' Right? I've watched enough dramas to know that."

"No actually. I could have said that yesterday, but not today. You brought him a day too late. At the rate he's going, I give him a year at most."

"No doctor. This isn't how chronic diseases work. They don't just progress a stage in a day. If he's beyond saving today, he was beyond saving yesterday too."

"Oh? And going by your logic, he must have been the same day before yesterday, and day before that, and so on? Even the day before he got the disease, he was beyond saving? Is that it?"

"Well, I guess so. I mean everyone has to die someday. So I guess we all are beyond saving from ever?"

"Woah there bro! You went too deep on the philosophy there. Come back to us."

"You dudes, and lady, keep chatting, while I break the news to the patient."

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"So you knew?"

"Yeah it's a part of my plan. My little brother is going to come hunting me exactly a year later. At that time, the disease will also start to act, and I'll end up in a 2V1 against Sasuke and the disease. Maybe then he'll have a chance at beating me. Otherwise, I'll just have to spill some Uchiha blood again. I mean my own, obviously. No way I'll kill that kid."

"Odd, but OK. Upto you. I'll take my leave." The medic nin turned and

BOOM! - Itachi's brain

Why? Because on that medic nin's back was a cute little logo of, guess what? The river!

You read that right, people. The one and only, Uchiha clan's symbol! The duplicate one's.

"Hold on."

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell me about that river symbol on your back?"

"I can, but it'll cost you."

"Sure. How about I spare you life?"

"Alright, that works. So this symbol is of…"

"The Uchiha clan. I know. Tell me something else."

"No! That's not our name. We are the…"

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PM me your credit card details if you want to know!

Otherwise, see you next year :P

Seriously, though, I'll definitely update soon, because I've got relatively more free time, but don't count on it.


	5. For mysteries

See? I made good on my promise, right? Quick update!

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"So, what was I saying before chapter break rudely interrupted me?"

"You were telling me about the NOT-Uchiha clan."

"Oh yeah. It's not NOT-Uchiha clan, it's..."

"The Uchiha clan, right? Because double negative makes a positive."

"No."

"But you literally just said that you aren't the not Uchiha, meaning you are Uchiha."

"Let me make myself clear. We aren't the Uchiha, and we aren't the not-Uchiha."

"You know what, you have achieved an incredible feat today. You have confused me, Itachi 'Prodigy' Uchiha, who no one had been able to confuse till today."

"I find that surprising, considering how insanely stupid you have been acting."

'Insane?' "Alright. Considering how complicated this seems, I've decided to change the reward of having this explained to me from just sparing your life to giving you some of my riches." 'And not sparing your life.' Itachi left out a little bit of unimportant info.

"Oh cool. Then, I'll start and you won't interrupt me. And it's non-negotiable. Here goes. We are called the Uchihwa clan." Itachi's eyebrows quirked after hearing this obviously stolen name, but he stayed silent because Itachi is a good little ninja who follows his agreements. Doctor ninja continued. "I know this sounds a little fake, but we kind of stole your clan's reputation. It was a superb plan devised by none other than the great Tsuchikage. When he heard about the Uchiha clan massacre, he decided to erect a new clan that could take their place. So we (Iwa) entered an agreement with Konoha. Both we and Konoha republished our Bingo books, stating that the feared clan was from Iwa, and them being from Konoha was a false bit of information published because of a goof up by the Bingo book publishing companies. This way, Konoha never lost any powerful clan, making them seem less vulnerable, securing them from any foreign attacks at this time of their weakening. According to them, the Uchiha of Konoha were just a minor clan, and should be, since one Jounin was enough to slaughter them all. All of this made sense, since Iwa and Konoha are both enemies. And voila! You have a brand new Uchihwa clan, with fearsome reputation. Also, Konoha has not recently lost any strength, so they, too, are safe."

"I see. That's a lot to take in, and I've got quite a lot of questions, if you don't mind."

"Not at all, as long as you are willing to pay the price."

"First of all, if the Uchiha are no longer as reputed, then why were there so many people to watch Sasuke debut in the Chunin exams?"

"Well, that one shouldn't be that hard to answer. In my opinion, an orphan, whose brother is known as one of the most fearsome shinobi prodigy to exist, who survived the clan purge by the recently mentioned brother, and also graduated as the top rookie leaving behind so many powerful clans' heirs, and reaching the Chunin exam finals, despite having the dead last on his team to weight him down makes him plenty interesting."

"OK, if this was such a high level conspiracy, and so old too, then why did I not know about it until now?"

"Hmm.. maybe because, they took special measures to keep you out of the loop? I don't really know."

"Are you a loyal Iwa shinobi?"

"I'm not surprised you noticed. I am, indeed, an undercover elite Iwa ninja posing as a rogue ninja."

"Why'd you blow your cover now?"  
"Well, since Konoha is now Iwa, you are an Iwa ninja now. So, we're comrades on undercover duty. Let's at least relax around each other."

"Why'd Konoha surrender to Iwa?"

"Can't tell you. Top secret."

"Even more secret than me being undercover and the Uchiha – Uchihwa scam?"

"Yup."

"Do you intend to recover Deidra?"

"Not really, but..."

"You wish to?"

"Yeah." and off goes an undercover 'elite' Iwa ninja's head.

'NONE can know about my insanity!' Itachi's completely sane thoughts.

"Itachi! Why'd you kill your doctor?" Kisame came in running like crazy.

"He was an undercover Iwa ninja here to kill Deidra. Blew his cover when talking to me. Killed him."

"Cool. But who'll give you prescription now?"

"I was beyond saving anyway."

"Yeah. We all are."

"Huh? Whatever."

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\- In Akatsuki meeting hall –

"Since Iwa has started to act against us, we took another one of their Jinnchurikis. We have Han. Let's extract his tailed beast."

\- Jump to post-extraction meeting -

Kisame: "So, you know, we have another Iwa Jinnchuriki to take care of."

Kakuzu: "Who? I thought Iwa only had two Jinnchurikis?"

Kisame: "Well, they recently acquired another one when they took over Konoha."

Kakuzu: "You mean that Uzumaki brat? I doubt he took the acquisition too well. He must be suffering a lot of emotional turmoil. I feel that this would be the perfect time to take him out."

Pain: "I don't think that's too good of an idea. He is travelling with Jiraiya of the Sannin. Also, such an emotional Jinnchuriki is a very risky entity. He just might destroy his own seal if pushed far enough. Then taking on the Kyuubi will be a major pain. I do not want Jiraiya to interfere with the operation if that happens. Lets just take him when he is not with him. Like, maybe when he's back in his village? I mean, I doubt Jiraiya will stay with him then. And with the toad sannin out of the picture, taking Naruto from leaf (Iwa) should be as easy as taking candy from a child."

Kakuzu: "Oh yeah? Then, what about the Hokage, and rest of the village?"

Pain: "We'll talk about it later, but no one takes Uzumaki before I say so."

Kakuzu: "What if we encounter him somewhere?"

Sasori: "Or if he comes knocking on our doors? Are we just supposed to die then?"

Pain: "Sure, go ahead."

Hidan: "This darned plot armor that every Main Character gets!"

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Omake: Itachi hates cats, and Deidra

A long long time ago, when Itachi was still a young Genin, his father took him to the Uchiha hideout. There, he met the old cat that had been taking care of the hideout even before Itachi was born.

"Fugaku, I'm hungry. Also, I'm bored of this regular catfood. Give me something tasty to eat."

"What do you want to eat?"

"Hmm.. maybe a bird?"

"OK. Itachi, go catch a bird from outside."

"No, those birds are rather bland. How about a special chakra nurtured bird? Like maybe a messenger bird, or a summoned creature?"

"Oh yeah! Itachi, summon a crow and feed it to this cat thing."

"But father! They.."

"No if, no but, un. Only crow, because I'm a glutton." (It can rhyme if you try hard enough)

"Summoning Jutsu: Naribu! That's the only crow I can summon right now."*sob*

*Eats crow* "Disgusting taste."

It was that moment that Itachi hated cats. And also, anyone who says 'un' From this - No if, no but, un. Only crow, because I'm a glutton.

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So, that's it fir today, folks. See you soon. Please read, review, favorite, follow, share, and whatever you can. Please make me famous. :P


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